Alright, grab a snack and get comfortable
because this Ted Talk is about 20 minutes long. I know some of you won't watch
it all the way through but I hope that you do because Brené Brown's message
about vulnerability is truly powerful and I think you'll get a lot out of it.
This talk touches on a subject that can be
difficult for many of us: allowing ourselves to be truly vulnerable even in the
face of fear and uncertainty. Some of you may get uncomfortable at just the
mention of the word vulnerable. Unfortunately we live in a culture that tells
us to hide our flaws, fears, and weaknesses at all costs and to show others
only our best, most put together selves lest we be rejected. When we do that
(and we all do it at some point), we deny ourselves the ability to make
authentic connection with others and we lose out on the most important parts of
our humanity - love, true friendship, belonging.
So what does any of this have to do with
ELP? We talked about values in class this week and I want you to use this blog
post to delve more deeply into your values and into the ways that you live them
through your actions. Using Dr. Brown's talk as a starting point, I'm
going to share with you more about my values and how I practice
congruence.
Later in the course we'll be exploring our
personalities and the strengths and challenges associated with them. I've taken
the MBTI and other inventories numerous times and they always tell me that I am
a feeler with a capital F and that a huge strength for me is my ability to
empathize with, validate, listen to, and support others. That part of me is
what made it possible to support survivors of sexual assault for 10 years as an
advocate and crisis counselor. It is what helps me build strong, meaningful
relationships with students and colleagues and with the people in my own
personal life. I deeply value compassion, connection, authenticity, and
love for ourselves and others. Those values have shaped not only who I
am in the relationships I have but also the profession I've chosen.
Dr. Brown's talk resonates with me on a lot
of levels. She says "connection is why we're here. It's what gives purpose
and meaning to our lives." I agree with that 100% and find that the most
important parts of my life - being a mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend,
and mentor - are all about the connections I have with the people I love.
However, having meaningful connection has not always been easy for me. Like a
lot of people, I have struggled with feeling not worthy of love and belonging
at times in my life. As a teen and into my twenties, I often felt that I was
not attractive enough, smart enough, or talented enough to deserve the things I
wanted out of life or to accomplish what I dreamed of. I often held back parts
of my true self in relationships with friends and partners out of fear of being
rejected. It took a long time and a lot of intentional work to finally be able to
embrace my imperfect self and to learn that I am enough just as I am. That I am
worthy of love and belonging just like everyone else is (and so are you!). I still
have moments where I doubt myself, beat myself up, and feel unworthy. Learning
to be unabashedly myself is an ongoing process and I don't always get it right
but I keep at it because it is important to me to be true to my values and to
be a good role model to my son and my students.
When Dr. Brown talks about the
wholehearted, she says that "they had the compassion to be kind to
themselves first and then to others, because, as it turns out, we can't
practice compassion with other people if we can't treat ourselves kindly."
Having compassion for myself was a huge step in getting to a place where I
could let myself love and be loved wholeheartedly. For me, being kind to myself
is about congruence. How could I have compassion and love for others if I
couldn't have them for myself? Congruence to me means "living
it" or as cliche as it might sound, "practicing what you
preach". I try to practice congruence in all of my interactions,
especially when I'm having conversations about life, goals, what is going on in
the world, and dreams for the future. When I'm talking with others, especially
students, friends, and family, it is incredibly important to me to be a good
listener, to be empathetic and compassionate, to be authentic, and to show
understanding and love as those are all values I hold dear. Practicing
congruence between my values and actions takes work and intentionality. It
isn't always easy but it is worth it in the end as it helps me to feel like I'm
being my best self.
I will leave you with this final quote from
Dr. Brown: “You are imperfect and you’re wired for struggle, but
you are worthy of love and belonging.”
For your assignment this week, please pick a video clip or TED Talk (no
longer than 20 minutes) and post it to your blog. Explain how and why it
connects to you and your values in action. What about the video you selected
specifically rings true to you? Why do you feel connected to your selected
clip? What do you do in your life to help you live what your clip exemplifies
and practice congruence?
